Things I Like

I've spent a lot of time talking about things I don't like and my pet peeves. Here's a list of some of the things I thoroughly enjoy.
- The Timberwolves
-Cookies
-Shoes
-Internet
-White T-Shirts
-Bowling
-Cheese
-My girlfriend
-My family
-Powerade
-Ten dollar bills
-Tan colored things
-Daywalkers
-Dogs
-Softball
-The flavor Purple
-Horses
-Joe
-Brownies
-Beer
-Having tools
-The Office
- All the joys of life.

Pet Peeves Version 3.0

My final list of pet peeves, although I will never be finished noticing pet peeves:
(In no particular order)
1. Socks and Sandals- When seperate, they are great products. When together, they create a fashion disaster that I cannot handle.
2. White Socks and Brown Shoes- See above.
3. Lecture Hall head nodders- Those who ask questions in class and nod at everything the professor says like he or she already knew the answer, but wanted to be reassured by an expert.
4. Pollen/Dustmites/Dander/Maple Trees/Ragweed- Allergies suck.
5. Boston- Mostly Red Sox fans. I was at the Twins game on saturday night and it seemed like half the stadium was wearing Red Sox shirts and hats. I will never be sure, but I highly doubt that all of those people flew in from Boston. I've never wanted to strangle so many people in my life when those douchebags started chanting "Lets Go Red Sox."
6. The Bitch of Spades- I hate getting the queen of spades in hearts. You never see it coming.
7. Hugs- I don't mind hugging people that I actually like and care about. The ones I don't like are the ones from people who you haven't seen in a long time, or ones after good news. Very uncomfortable.
8. Lets- Tennis pet peeve. If they don't get it over the net on their serve without touching the net they shouldn't get a do-over.
9. Bumper Stickers
10. Photographs- I don't like posing for pictures. I'll look at pictures, just hate posing for them.

Thoughts on Soccer

I was always a football player. Throughout my life I spent a lot of time shit talking soccer players. The game is boring, the uniforms are silly, the white spikes look ridiculous, and IT'S BORING! This opinion of the game followed me all the way up until a month ago. The change came suddenly. The introduction of FIFA 08 for XBOX 360 changed my perception of the game. No longer did I think that soccer players were wusses and pansies ( I know, I know, watch the language). The change came when I was playing my pal, we'll call him Big Canada, and an incredible play happend. I was playing as Real Madrid because they have the only player that I've ever heard of on there team, David Beckham. Here's how it went down: Beckham darts across the field to slide tackle some Brazilian guy, not only did he steal the ball, he cleated him and took him to the ground, he got up, raced to the ball, threw 3 different kinds of smoke while he darted and dashed all the way to the top of the box, one more juke for good measure ( making it 4 different kinds of smoke), then bent it in like Beckham (make that 5 kinds of smoke for the goal, and 6 for the movie reference). Not only did Beckham, some soccer player, have the ability to do that and change a game, he's also plowing Posh Spice on the regular. Kudos to you, bang the gong, LONG LIVE BECKHAM!!!
P.S. I now know like 6 soccer players. Other than Beckham there is the real Ronaldo, some fake Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Hank the Frenchman ( It's spelled Henry and pronounced Ahnray, but I call him Hank), and Freddy Adu.

Thoughts on Bluegrass

Yes I am a bluegrass fan. Seems odd since I am the definition of rugged masculinity. But what's not masculine about bluegrass? Fiddles and banjoes reek with musk. The dobro might as well be a bullfighter with a sweet 'stache. That may be a stretch, but the music is awesome. I was always a fan of rap and old rock until a few years ago. Once I realized that country music is pretty down to earth and kicks major ass, I switched my allegiances. After that big leap in musical listeningship it was just a short leap to the world of bluegrass. My first concert was a bluegrass concert. I hadn't even heard any bluegrass when I went, but what the hell, why not go? So me, Miss General, my brother and the wife hopped in the Vue and went to the concert. It was Alison Krauss and Union Station, widely regarded as the best bluegrass band ever. What I heard changed my listeningship (I am officially coining that word right now) forever. I've never heard a voice that has the combination of softness, sweetness, beauty, and power like that in my life. Since then I've only heard a handful of her songs that I haven't liked, and I've heard most of them. From there I looked more into the genre. I liked what I found. I may have lost my street cred (which I had buckets full of), but I found some incredible music to listen to.

Thoughts on Being Tired

I'm exhausted and it blows. I have a bunch to do and even less time to do it. I want a nap. I want to sleep. Meh. Better luck tomorrow.

Thoughts on the NFL draft

I made it through 3 picks this year before I had to call it quits. I always think interesting things are going to happen, and then I realize how much I don't care. Why this event is so hyped is beyond me. I don't understand how people get so excited to see where somebody else's career is going to end up. I don't get this pumped to see if my neighbors job interviews go well, so why would I care where these people's careers end up. Hopefully next year's will be interesting and I can make it through 5 picks.

Thoughts on the Wild season ending

I'm a little disappointed. It always sucks when hometown teams get eliminated. But on second thought, I'm not that disappointed. I watched all the games and I only kinda cared when they won. Much like America, I care very little for hockey. Does that make hockey fans unpatriotic? That's a topic for another blog. To gauge my disappointment about there season being over I'll put it like this. I was more disappointed when my XBOX360 froze up on me mid game, but I am more disappointed about the Wild than I was when bit my lip about 15 minutes ago. Maybe next year gang.
p.s.
Good news coming from the elimination: No more hockey fans excercising their first amendment rights about the plight of the Wild. News to these fans: We are a bunch of goons.

Thoughts on Cabins

Time well wasted at a cabin this weekend. There are few things better than relaxing at a cabin. I don't even care if the water was still frozen. Who needs to swim when you have a deck of cards, a brick of cheese, and dozens upon dozens of bottles of beer. Ms. General's cabin is the place to be for me. This is even before the fishing opener, so imagine how much better it will become. I love beer, I love cribbage, I love fishing, I love the cabin.

Thoughts on golf

The Master's wrapped up this weekend and I couldn't care less. There's nothing worse than watching a round of golf. Except watching it for 4 straight days, or actually playing golf. In the words of The Judge, "It's human fetch...hit ball, chase ball, hit ball, chase ball." The only thing that saves the sport from being worse than AIDS is Tiger Woods. I can watch him win, but only the final hole. Even he is boring to watch for an entire round.
SIDE THOUGHTS ON TIGER WOODS:
He is one of those guys that is so good that I have a completely distorted view of who he is as a person. I see him leaving the course and immediately counting his money. I see him as the guy in a bar who doesn't bring money, because everybody is going to pick up his tab. I see him as someone who when he is losing a round, he walks past his opponent and says, "Good luck with this putt, and don't forget that the whole country is rooting against you." In other words, he is somebody I want to be.

Thoughts on the baseball game I'm watching currently

Joe Girardi officially just passed Ron Gardenhire in my book as being the worst manager in baseball. True I'm not a Yankees fan, but they are playing Boston, and I hate Boston. The situation that set me off was in the top of the 8th. Down by two runs, the Yanks had runners on first and second with nobody out. Former caveman Johnny Damon comes up to the plate. Conventional wisdom says you sacrifice bunt these runners to get second and third with one out. Scratch that, common baseball sense says you do this. You need the runners in scoring position. An infant would've made that call. But no, Girardi says swing away. And what happened? Groundball, double play, upset me. The inning ended on a groundball with the next batter. It was the dumbest move I've seen since a Ron Gardenhire boner last year pinchhitting Nick Punto for a 3-3 Alexi Casilla.
P.S. I hate Boston

Pet Peeves Version 2.0

Additions to my pet peeves in no particular order:

1. Frat boys- Who do they think they are? Why do they do the things they do? If it's not enough that they had to purchase their friends, they have the uncanny ability to exemplify the meaning of 'tool'. We get that you're cool and you're a carefree party animal. But sweet fucking christ, put a shirt on when you play a game of catch from 10ft apart from each other, limit your "Roofying" to 1 per month, and don't ever call me "bro." Or is it "brah."
2. Shirt Tags- They are itchy and pokey.
3. People Who Talk Politics in Social Settings- Message To These People: NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK.
4. Hair Mussers- Leave my head alone. Yes my hair is a novelty since it is curly and red, but please leave me alone.
5. Shaving- I'd be much happier hairless.

Thoughts on the T-Wolves

If I hear one more time that college basketball is better than the NBA I will probably snap. There is nothing worse than having to sit through 40 min. of uncoordinated, dirty work type players playing a half court trap, while 90% of, the already low, scoring comes from offensive rebound putbacks, when there is a perfectly good league of professional players waiting to be watched on TNT. The NBA is head and shoulders above the NCAA in terms of talent, and entertainment value.
On to my real point...
My beloved Timberwolves aren't good. I'm not afraid to say it. They are a young group of players who are in a new system in a place where basketball isn't appreciated. However, they are still my beloved Timberwolves and I will stick with them through thick and thin (still waiting for the thick...maybe one day). The reasons for sticking with the team go as follows:

1. Shitty basketball is still 10 times better than good hockey. I am a supporter of our Minnesota Wild, but come on, how am I expected to sit through 60 min. of purposeless skating in order to cheer at shots on goal and a well executed neutral zone trap? Hockey is nothing more than glorified soccer, which is nothing more than glorified jogging, which is nothing more than glorified standing around doing nothing. Atleast with an NBA game you have the chance to see something amazing happen on a nightly basis. You get to watch world class athletes perform on the highest level. Incredible athletic ability is being combined with finesse skills. What these men can do with a ball that they aren't allowed to hold on to is nothing less than wizardry. Making a shot 20ft. into a hoop barely larger than the ball, with guys attempting to block it at all costs is pretty sweet. When the acrobatic moves are thrown into the mix it makes it even more entertaining.

2. No matter what, this is still my team. Kevin Garnett has been my favorite player since I was a little kid. The man was larger than life in my eyes. He was a superhero who made every moment watching special. But now he's gone. Kevin Mchale ripped out the hearts of all the kids who idolized K.G. for years when he traded him to Boston (which made it so much worse since I hate the city). Seeing K.G. wearing another jersey proudly on opening night broke my heart and I still haven't fully recovered. But the first step to recovery happened the next night when my team stepped on the court. The faces were new but the jersey remained the same. I love K.G., but I love the T-Wolves more. I now have the chance to follow a team and watch them grow from cellar dwellers to potential champions.

3. Despite one of the worst records in the league, this has been the 2nd most enjoyable season to watch in the teams history (2003-04 being the best). It's nice not having any expectations. With no expectations comes no disappointment. Coming into the season we only had one player that belonged in a starting rotation, Al Jefferson, and we had never seen him play. The rest of the team was fighting for a job. This lead to a season filled with young players getting the opportunity to show off their set of talents and skills in a no pressure situation. This also lead to some frustration, but what I saw made up for it. I was introduced to Al Jefferson, Sebastian Telfair, Ryan Gomes, Corey Brewer, and briefly Gerald Green this year, who teamed up with Randy Foye, Craig Smith and Rashad McCants to shock some of the Western Conference bigshots this year. These are the players that will make up this team for some years to come, besides Green. They are a cast of characters who have all the talent in the world, and we all get a chance to see them develop into something special.

4. Saturday December 8th. This was the day that these guys became my team. At that point in the season we only had 2 wins, and we were playing the best team in the NBA at that time, the Phoenix Suns. This just so happened to be one of the worst weekends I had in quite some time, so I needed a pick me up and they provided it. These young players did not back down. Big Al Jefferson owned a superstar, Amare Stoudemire, for 4 quarters. Sebastian Telfair played lockdown defense on 2-time MVP Steve Nash, not to mention having Nash's head snap back and forth while he zipped passes through the defense. McCants was knocking down shots, Craig Smith was banging down low, and watching Corey Brewer diving on the floor, intercepting passes, and being a pain in the ass of the Suns was awesome. The Suns underestimated us the entire 1st half, and when they turned it on in the 2nd half the Wolves matched them all the way. It was our night. In a frustrating season thus far, with close to no support in this state, they pulled off the win. There was no denying them that night, and there is no denying my loyalty to this team. I'm joining the Rashad Revolution, I'm riding Foye into the future, and Big Al is my new 'guy'. Screw everybody who jumped ship when K.G. left town, if you aren't still a fan we don't want you.

Thoughts on T-Wolves fans (as told by The Judge)

Thoughts on the T-Wolves “fans”

First of all, let me preface this rant by fully acknowledging the Timberwolves are having a down year.

However, this rough season does not give “fans” the right to turn their back on the team. Recently, I have been reading the comment boards on both the Star Tribune and Pioneer Press Web sites and have been disgusted with the posts. More and more people have been publicly abandoning the team. Are these not the same people who jumped on the bandwagon in 2003-04 when the team delighted us with the best regular-season record in the Western Conference and took us all the way to the Conference finals? (Side note: If Sam Cassell doesn’t get hurt the Wolves would have beat the Lakers and most likely beat Detroit in the Finals because the Wolves wouldn’t have mailed the series in and underestimated the Pistons like the Lakers did.) Where is the team loyalty? I realize that Kevin McHale is one of the worst GM’s in the NBA but that does not give the fans the right to abandon the team in their time of need.

Additionally, while people have been so busy insulting and ignoring the T-Wolves they have failed to see the potential in this team. Yes, we got rid of Kevin Garnett, but in return we received a future superstar in Al Jefferson, a potential All-Star in Ryan Gomes and a pleasant surprise in Sebastian Telfair. These three, along with a 100-percent Randy Foye, a more experienced Corey Brewer and, not to mention, a top-five draft pick make for quite the foundaion for a future powerhouse. Now this may be an overoptimistic view of the future of the Wolves but, to me, that is what a true fan does.

New rule, all Minnesotans who have given up on the Wolves this season are forever banned from the Target Center and can feel no joy when the Wolves inevitably return to the playoffs/contention in the next 2-5 years.

Thoughts on Birthdays

My birthday was this weekend, and it fucking rocked. There is nothing better than expecting nothing (bdays have never been a big deal to me), and getting completely blown away by what goes down. Three dinners, presents, and a sweet surprise party thrown by my girlfriend. From what I remember the party was awesome. You nailed it this year Miss General!
*Also love the fresh kicks

Thoughts on Michael Jackson

I just picked up MJ's new 25th Anniversary Thriller album and I can tell you one thing. Those songs sound just as good as they did 25 years ago. I know I'm only 20 years old and I wasn't even born when that album was released, but they don't make cds like this anymore. Every song is a hit. This cd has some of the most memorable songs in history on it. He has more number one hits on it than most people have in their careers. I can listen to this cd tracks 1-9 straight through without even being tempted to skip a song. MJ will always be the King. New artists can continue to copy him as much as they like, but they will never come close to recreating his career.

Thoughts on the Twins 2008 Season

The Minnesota Twins are the perfect cure for winter time blues. And take a look, their season is here. I would like to give a little preview for your enjoyment.
Primary Concerns:
The first concern lies in centerfield. We need to find some one to replace VicToriia Hunter. As you can probably guess, I wasn't a fan of his. It appears that the Twins have some candidates to fill the job. However, the problem is that none of them are capable of filling Hunter's stats. Carlos Gomez, Denard Span, and Jason Pridie look like good young players with a lot of potential, but I want to win now, so this might blow. And I suppose any of these three can hit popups to short and strike out in the clutch. My vote goes for Gomez, due to his speed and arm strength. Also, since he barely knows english, his sound bites will be hilarious.
The starting rotation is going to be a damn mess since Johan Santana was traded away. Having a lights out stopper every 5 days is a luxury we won't even be close to having. My votes for the rotation goes as follows: 1. Livan Hernandez 2. Scott Baker 3. Francisco Liriano 4. Boof Bonser 5. Anybody who can get it over the plate. Our fifth spot is a mess. Odds are good that the spot will go to Kevin Slowey, with any outside shot of it being Nick Blackburn. Blackburn has some good stuff, but last year he got shelled in September and that is the lasting image in my mind. Glen Perkins is another possibility, but he also spends most of his time watching Metrodome fans throw back homerun balls. It appears as if Slowey is the lesser of 3 evils.
The second base competition can be summed up in 2 words: Not Punto. His good defense is trumped by inability to put wood on the ball. Alexi Casilla is my choice. His speed is reason enough to get him some work in the big leagues.
Key Addition(s)
Delmon Young is the only addition that matters. His bat is going to make this summer pretty sweet. We've always been a team focused on pitching and defense. Screw that. I want offense and Delmon is the guy for the job. With him sandwiched between Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau we have our own version of a murderer's row. We also improved on offense with former Twin killer Craig Monroe and third basemen Mike Lamb. They should provide a little punch where we lacked in the past. With our pitching situation the way it is, our offense is going to need this extra punch. I'm thinking like 5 runs a game if we want to be competitive. It will be entertaining regardless.
Big Prediction
This might be a little bold, but I'm thinking we'll go about...160-2. Kevin Slowey will be responsible for those 2 losses. I'm pretty confident that's how it's going to go.

Thoughts on Sports Cliches and Lingo

With spring break approaching quickly, I began to think about where we are in the school year. This portion of the year is definitely a grind. The time between Christmas and spring break definitely creeps along, but the school year is a game of inches. After spring break is definitely the home stretch of the school year, it's time to show your mental toughness and buckle down on defense. Wait...what? Point being, I'm going to have to take the rest of the school year one day at a time and rely on my teammates to get us into the playoffs. Hold on a second...playoffs? As I thought about how far we've all come this school year I came to another realization: Sports metaphors, cliches, and lingo are everywhere. I can't shake 'em and damnit I don't want to. What would our analysis of everyday occurences consist of without them? I don't want to know. These cliches and sayings are so common that it is much more effective to use them then it is to take the time and actually explain something. For example, if my mother, who I love dearly, screws up her beef stroganoff, I can simply say "Dropped the ball Mom," or, "Below par." These simple words drastically cut down on unnecessary babbling about how "It's ok, just a little bland," or "No...really...it's good." Shake it off Mom, maybe next time. Instances like these are perfect for sports sayings.
There are many other places where sports lingo is acceptable, scratch that, its mandatory. I'm going to pull out the drawing board and give you the x's and o's on situations where sports talk comes into play. Say your friend is desperately attempting to pickup some chick at a bar/club/wherever chicks reside outside of the home, and after the awkward hello and handshake, she turns away...strike 1. In order to break this tension, your friend offers to buy this chick a drink or some celery (what do you buy someone if you aren't around a bar, clearly I've never picked up chicks before). She would then chug down whatever is in front of her, and give the cold shoulder...swing and a miss, strike 2. At this point he might as well throw in the towel, but sports lingo dictates these kinds of things. He has to go in for another try. After desperately looking for any sort of conversation with no progress being made, she turns and starts chatting with another guy. Strike 3, ring him up. This is one of the more depressing examples of sports lingo, but also the funniest.
Overtime you realize that the basic sports sayings just aren't quite as satisfying as they used to be. For example, when someone drops something, you say they "fumbled." When one of your friends finally gets a tug, you say he got to "second base." When someone does a job well, he or she "hit it out of the park," and so on and so forth. Those aren't getting the job done for me anymore. I needed variety. I needed to spice things up. I needed a deadline deal in order to beef up my roster (vocabulary in this case) for the stretch run (meaning the remainder of my life). What I decided on is to start making up my own. Whenever somebody falls, whether it is from a punch, slip, trip, narcolepsy, or anything, I just start screaming at them, "DOWN GOES FRASIER, DOWN GOES FRASIER," and stand over them in a Muhammad Ali pose. In cases where something so unexpected happens, something that makes you really get out of your seat surprised, it requires one to yell "THE BAND IS OUT ON THE FIELD!!!," or in super extreme cases in which something good happens, "Do you believe in miracles? YES!!!" These sayings never seem to fail me, however, given the fact that these aren't the basic cliches, I've gotten some strange looks. Hopefully these sayings catch on like the mobile quarterback (which is totally a fad, but I'd love to be responsible for a fad).
My last note on this topic for now is this: Dick Vitale is the king of cliches and sports lingo, he always has been, and he always will be. No question about it. Anybody who inserts Dickie V quotes into their conversation is definitely a friend of mine. I don't want to live in a world without Dick Vitale.

Thoughts on NASCAR

Make cars convertibles...Advertise advertising space...No safety netting... Parallel parking portion of each race...For god's sake somebody turn right

Thoughts on the last school week

I feel there was some collusion between my professors and instructors this week. Throughout the entire semester the only work has been reading assignments and class participation. However, I believe it was decided to screw me over last week. Essays due in all 4 classes, to go along with the rest of my usual work load. Son of a bitch. Hands down the worst week of the semester. Seriously, why? For an encore this week, midterms!!!

Thoughts on everything

so this is the generals blog, and tonight we have a guest host, the one the only jim so from here on out it is all professor hotsauce speak. okay so i've been thinkin a lot about the lions lately, they decided to revamp their secondary in the recent weeks. they signed dwight smith whcih may or may not be a good idea\. however it may justwork out because he will be introcuced to the tampa cover 2, however he is kind of a head case and tends to resort to bad desicions. but other than that lions are destined to be be a dynasty for the next decade and a half. Calvin Johnson is the next great receiver, the only concern of the lions is their defense. i fully belief that aqib tahilb kwali is going to be drafted at the 17th pick. he is a very good d-back and is great for the lions. but more importantly the vikes should pick up bernard berrian he would be a solid number two reciever. it would give our team a lot more respectablitly than it currently has. ap will carrry the team however it would be nice to have a passing game. and the deep threat of berrian would create an essential second optio0n to ap. the madieuu williams signing will be good for the vikes due to the fact that he tends to be a coverage corner. i normally like a strong saftery who can light someone up like sean taylor. but the situation tha the vikes are in leads makes the madieu signing that much better because the vikes need some serious coverage help. though in about two years i don't expect pat williams to be much of a factor because he is getting old. so at that point we may need a strong sfety who hits people, so in two years this may might not be a great signing. but there are other things int he world then sports and the amazing t-wolves, which i'm not even going to get into because that could take up a whole three thousand words itself, though it might be included in the end of this post, if i last that long. but moving on to more important things, the election in 2008 is turning into a ridiculous event. the democrats are tearing themselves apart when they are in an election that they can't possibly seem to lose. but with this internal conflict they are finding a way to lose democratic support. keep in mind i am in no way a democrat, but i have a hard time voting for mccain when he is probably more liberal than hillary. my executive decision is that if i had to choose i would love to listen to barack speeches for the next four years. he is an amazing speaker and i wouldn't wish anything else. the president really doesn't do anything too important, the house and senate pass most laws so as long as the president is awesome to listen that is all that matters. the decisions that he actually makes is irrelevant so vote for barack in 08. while i hope that most people will vote for barack making him the president for the next four years i will be writing in mitt romney for president. i agreee that the whole mormon thing that he has going on is kinda scary but he has some legitimate experience in big buisness and doing some good things for massachusetts. he is quite possibly the greatest possible person for president. my only hope is that the democrats will screw up the presidency in the next four years and romney will come in to save the day at that point. here's to hoping. now i'm going to venture off of from serious topics and try to make this entertaining, okay maybe only entertaining if you are an avid sports fan. let us get back to the most crucial topic of all, the minnesota timberwolves. they are making some serious progress though i think the only true starter on the team is al jefferson, every other player is only a role player and an amazing sixth man. bassy is an amazing point guard that will lead this team into the future, that is if we don't draft derrick rose, i would hope that bassy would accept a slightly limited role in that situation because he is an intergreal part of this team. the general consensus is that the wolves will draft roy hibbert, of course this consensus is between me and my friends, only slightly though. if they draft hibbert that is a questionable move that i don't really support. they need to keep gomes and most of the players that they currently have and add through the draft with rose or michael beasley, after that they are destined for a 'ship. i think i don't have a while lot more to say at this point. most of this is very very very incoherent and i accept that fact but don't judge me or the original author of this blog based on this blog. he does not necessarily agree with the content of this post and frankly i'm not sure if i do either. also don't judge all republicans based on the outlines labeled above, what i write about is mainly my view and probably not even close to what republicans actually think, so on that note i bid you adieu, not because i want to go but because i have already written a whole shit ton and maybe i will make future appearence, from the great vault of professor hotsauce, peace out

Thoughts on Lines

Lines can come in many different shapes and forms. Some are to separate what is appropriate from what isn't. Some are to to define boundaries. Some are to create shapes. Others are just marks. I have some feelings on lines, and I have favorite types of lines, and some that I'm not a fan of...without further adieu:

Favorite Lines:
Diagonal Lines- Hands down my favorite. Diagonal lines represent cutting corners, which has kind of become my mantra for college. Why go the extra two directions when you can skip that and just make one move.
3 Point Lines- Going back to my basketball days for this one. That was where I made my living. 3 is better than 2. Enough said.
Lines In The Sand/Dirt- Is there anything more badass then challenging someone by drawing a line in the sand/dirt.
Dotted Lines- They aren't technically a line, but that's some of the excitement. You can obey them, or if you don't want to you don't have to. They are the most laid back of all lines.
Equator- The hottest of all lines.

Least Favorite Lines:
Blue Line- Hockey is boring as hell to watch and the blue line is the culprit. Nothing slows down a game quite like an offside whistle.
Roller Coaster Lines- Roller coasters are sweet and the line is one thing keeping me away.
"The Line"- This refers to crossing the "line". Censorship is a bitch.
Cocaine lines- Drugs are bad.
Squiggly lines- Are you straight, are you curved, do you have a point. Make up your mind squiggly lines.

Honorable Mention (good): Lines of demarcation, Line dances, Offensive lines, Pickup lines, Foul lines (since they are actually in fair territory).

Honorable Mention (bad): Defensive lines, Line judges (Johnny Mac was right about them), Arcs (just finish the job and become a circle.

Thoughts on movies and TV (and some on the Oscars)

Movies are a tricky subject. Everybody has different tastes and in general, people are very passionate about the movies close to their heart. I am not one of those people. I have been known to ask my parents to turn off The Great Escape so I can watch the next episode of The Surreal Life. Maybe it is my lack of patience when it comes to entertainment but I like to know the plot, problem, and solution in the span of 30 minutes. Also, movies have to be watched from the beginning. For example, I walked in 20 minutes after my brother started watching 3:10 To Yuma and I joined him. There was some sweet action and dialogue happening, but I had no idea why. Russell Crowe and Christian Bale seemed to be getting along so well, I didn't know where the conflict was. That's why I'm more of a TV guy, or a comedy movie guy. You need very little background information to watch a movie like Grandma's Boy, or How High (oddly enough one of my favorite movies, its absolutely hilarious). You need even less background to watch TV. Its cheap entertainment at its best. The Office is 30 minutes of gold every thursday, and Entourage is even better. I was a mess the whole time during the writer's strike and my life reflected it. Ok I'm kidding about that, but it seriously sucked. Luckily for me those strikers are back to work and my entertainment world is back to normal.
* Watching the Oscars tonight I realized that this is the only award show that matters. People remember academy award winners and their careers reflect it. However, that doesn't change the fact it is the lamest 4 hours on TV. Honestly, how bored can I get.

Thoughts on Giraffes

Love em. Absolutely love giraffes. What's there not to love? First, they are incredibly tall. Second their spots are sharp as hell, if only my clothes were that smoking hot. Third, they are adorable. These are just the reasons on the surface that giraffes kick ass. The main reason I think giraffes are awesome is because of how they beat the hell out of other giraffes in order to get laid. That's what those necks are for. The stronger the neck, the more likely to get laid. If you watch a video of it (you can probably find a youtube video of it), you won't believe the battles these animals go through just so they aren't alone in their bed that night. It is the definition of committment. If some people were more like these animals, loneliness wouldn't be an issue.

Most Unstoppable Video Game Athletes

5. Baron Davis- I'm going out on a limb here, but in NBA Live 2005 he was unreal. He had the ability to knock down 3-pointer after 3-pointer, and if you went out to guard him he would burst past your defender and throw it down in your face. My brother will vouch for B. Davis in that game until the day he dies.
4. LaDanian Tomlinson- This goes for any Madden game after his rookie year, and especially the 2007 and 2008 versions of the game. No matter who you are playing you can expect one big gamebreaking run from LT every game you play. Also, unless you have a linebacker like Shawn Merriman on your team, you're going to need about 4 guys to bring him down at any time or else he will break the tackles for a 7 yard gain. The only problem is that Merriman plays on the same team as LT.
3. Sergei Federov- Anybody who played any of the NHL games for Sega Genesis knows what I'm talking about. He was a 99 rating in almost every aspect that mattered (speed, shot power, shot accuracy...). In any 82 game season you play, whether its NHL 94, 95, 0r 96, expect atleast 200 goals from Federov.
2. Michael Vick- How are you supposed to play defense when the fastest player on the field is the QB. It is impossible to catch Vick (unless you are a District Attorney...Zing!!) from behind or from the side. If you just decide to run every play with Vick you can expect 10 yards a pop. His only weakness, since they gave him a wicked arm, is he occasionally fumbles. If you have the guts to go out of bounds on each run he can't be stopped.
1. Bo Jackson- Tecmo Bowl is hands down the greatest sports game of all time, and Video Bo is hands down the best video game athlete of all time. Bo decides when he goes down in that game, and that choice rarely comes up. If you just run back and forth nobody on the field can catch him, also, he is the only player in the game who routinely breaks tackles. His combination of strength and speed makes him the greatest video player of all time. If you want to see Video Bo in action, you can find his prowess on YouTube.

Honorable Mention: Speed Category- Randy Moss (Madden), Michael Bennett (Madden), Steve Nash (NBA Live), Pavel Bure (NHL 96)
Honorable Mention: Hero Category (despite not having dominant video game characteristics, they are still near impossible to stop)- Sidney Crosby (NHL 08), Jerry Rice (Tecmo Bowl, NFL Quarterback Club), Kobe Bryant (NBA Live), Mario Lemieux (NHL 94-96), Troy Polamalu (Madden 2007), Walter Payton (Tecmo Bowl).

* My results may be tainted due to the fact that baseball games are lame

Thoughts on February

What is the point of February? Very little good comes from the month besides the NBA returning to Sunday afternoon TV and Reese's Peanut Butter hearts. I mean, we are right in the middle of suicide alley (the time between January 1 and March 21), where we get no sunlight and the weather varies more than Matthew Perry's weight circa FRIENDS seasons 4-7. Looking outside in the morning is just depressing. Snow fall ruins tennis shoes and blue jeans. There are no legitimate holidays (by legitimate I mean days off from school). February is kind of like a really bad opening act at a concert that you just try to will, or drink, your way through to get to the main event, which in this case is March. March is hands down the Cadillac of the calendar. Besides the occasional heavy snowfall, March is where the weather is heating up, spring break is within its confines, and it is the beginning of the home stretch towards the end of the school year. Also, spring training starts in March and with that, grand expectations fill my little head. You won't see me frowning in March. The only thing that almost redeems February from being the worst thing in the world is the fact that it is only 28 days. However, this year we have to but up with this asshole of a month for one more day (damn you leap year).

Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die

After having a dream about accidentally killing an elementary school student (it was a fluke, batting practice gone awry), I realized that life is short. Therefore I decided I needed to think of some things I'd like to do before I die. So here are a few of them, in no particular order.

Death List:
1. Give a piggy back ride to a paraplegic- I think it would be a sign of goodwill to be the legs for someone who can't use theirs.
2. Become the Vatican's first drug dealer- I think I'd be the first, and I'm guessing I'd be the only. Talk about a cash cow.
3. Take a knife edge chop from Ric Flair- I'd sell the hell out of it too. Like a full flop on the mat.
4. Not travel to Europe- Too cliche
5. Write a children's book- This one, however, would be about how life craps on your face and shows no mercy. They'll thank me later since now they'll have no lofty goals that will ultimately be shot down.
6. Eat a baked potato in Concord, New Hampshire- Why not?
7. Ride a bus all day- Everybody is always going somewhere, I just want someone to have no agenda on a bus.
8. Do my taxes in a strip club
9. Burn a book- Just to see what the big deal is
10. Live life to the fullest

Thoughts and Observations Regarding The End of the NFL Season

Another season gone in the blink of an eye. As I sit back and reflect on the amount of time wasted this fall watching football games, analysis, breakdowns, and predictions, I come to one realization: not one second was wasted. The time spent watching football with friends and family is like Beyonce...irreplaceable. There are few things better than watching grown men beat the piss out of each other for 60 minutes and show their joy with expertly choreographed dance moves. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without this all day extravaganza known as Sunday. This great tradition however, has improved dramatically for me in recent years. Fantasy football has gotten me involved in ways I never imagined. I am now an owner, general manager, and coach, as well as a more devoted fan. I've been known to curse the TV, sit on the edge of my seat in anticipation, become physically upset, and triumphantly executed a Reggie Bush fist pump in a fit of emotion. However, there is an upsetting vision that I am foreseeing. I firmly believe that by the year 2014, fantasy football will become the number one cause of murder in the United States. It's true. I have heard the threats from fellow fantasiers as I watch games with them. Threats that I believe will one day escalate, and turn true. For example, I have a friend (who will remain nameless for security purposes) who had Adrian Peterson on his fantasy team. As we watched the Vikings games together, we slowly realized that Chester Taylor was getting the ball more than Peterson. This prompted him to say, "I hope Chester breaks his leg, I need 6 more points for a win this week." Similar things to this have been said about other running backs when things aren't going well for fantasier's around the globe. This makes me wonder how far people will go to get a win for the week. Considering how much money goes around in fantasy football pools it seems plausible that murder will come down the road. If some desperate soul has 1,000 dollars riding on a game, what's gonna stop him from drugging a players gatorade, or cutting a player's brakeline. It's a legitimate concern. Fantasy has gotten that big. Will it happen I'm not sure. Is it possible, very.

*Go Giants, I hate Boston fans

Pet Peeves

After a mentally draining ten minutes or so of brainstorming I decided on my top 5 list of pet peeves. In reverse order, here they are:
5. Crunchy Cookies - Seriously, what's the point.
4. Indie-Rappers- As far as I can tell, their alleged meaningful lyrics are just finding 4 syllable words that rhyme and throwing them together, disregarding context. Indie-Rap should be re-labeled "Shit that can't sell."
3. Passive Complainers- I struggle to sympathize with peoples' situations when they try to bait you into asking "what's wrong?". Passive complaining is the second cousin of passive aggressive. Both not acceptable.
2. Ponytails That Go Out The Hole of a Baseball Cap- I don't know why, but knock it off ladies.
1. Banana Pudding- This goes for all pudding that isn't chocolate or vanilla (vanilla is barely acceptable, but only when you say "vanilla" in front of the word pudding, due to the fact that chocolate should forever be the default pudding flavor). Pudding should be kept to the basic flavors of the sweet tooth, being chocolate and vanilla. All other coat-tail pudding flavors taint the credibility of the most delicious of desserts by putting flavors that don't belong in pudding. I'm talking to you Banana (and pistachio)!

Honorable Mention: Ewoks, Shirt tags, Lattes, Kidnapping, Chalk (not chalkboards, chalk), Jargon, Saltwater, Gerrymandering, Guinea Pigs, Nick Punto, White Cranberry Juice.

*This list will be updated periodically throughout the year

Red Sox Fans are D-Bags

The year 1918 should mean nothing to any sports fan of this generation. The significance of this year in the sports world has come and gone, and should no longer be a reason for any single human being to like a team. Yes, I understand the Red Sox took 86 years to win a World Series after the biggest boneheaded move in sports history (trading Babe Ruth). I also understand that the Red Sox have had a string of bad luck since that year, including bad hops, unfulfilled potential, and coaching blunders (what some people call bad luck is very similar to my theory that "losers will always lose"). Once again I understand that when the Red Sox finally rid themselves of a tremendous losing history in 2004 I was cheering for them. Who doesn't love a good underdog? But that year is over. There was another season next year. So why are people all around the world still cheering for this team? Why do I see girls wearing Nomar Garciaparra T-shirts, and college guys toting their fake worn out Bosox hat like they've had it for years? Worst of all, why am I seeing this in our hometown team's ballpark? Why is this Red Sox fever not contained to the confines of Boston? These fans have gone from rooting on an underdog in one series, to proudly wearing their bandwagon hopping status like it's a purple heart. Perhaps the worst argument I've heard about why someone is a Red Sox fan is that they hate the New York Yankees so much that they have to cheer for Boston. My reply to this is why? Why do people care that the Yankees are good? I've always been partial to my hometown team, and don't really care about what happens on the east coast. So what if the Yankees have made the Sox their bitch since 1918. Where was this undying allegiance before Nomar, Pedro, Manny, and Papi. Growing up I never heard anybody talking about how Mo Vaughn and the Sox are gonna take down the evil Yanks this year. I had never heard from anybody who claims to be a Red Sox fan now talk about how John Valentin is going to have a break out year, and that Danny Darwin should be a shoe-in for Cy Young. Last I checked, the Red Sox have more World Series in this millenium than the Yankees. If this Yankee argument is all these "fans" have, they might be a few decades late. With all of this said, this recent "Redsox Nation" phenomenon is probably the biggest example of bandwagon hopping in sports history. Loyalty is a virtuous trait, especially in sports. So as far as I'm concerned, I will cheer for my hometown team until I die or they get contracted, and I will continue to hate Red Sox fans.